so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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