Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
