so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
