Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
