I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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