cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
