I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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