I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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