Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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