I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
