I wish my penis had an off switch
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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