it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
