I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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