You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can you bring me the toilet please
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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