Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
