i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
