did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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