I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
