Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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