I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
