I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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