remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
