woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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