i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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