Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
