I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
