I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
