I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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