i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
