I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
