but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He told me they were just razor bumps!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
