you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
