Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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