apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
