Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
