how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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