im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
