Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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