Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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