he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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