Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
