did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
