Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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