My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
