thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
