the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
