worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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