before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
