That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I understand Curling. That high.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
