I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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