ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
