I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
